ignorance

It’s true about ignorance
it is bliss
until you realize

You’re ignorant

You’ve judged a lot of other people for it but one day you realize

You’ve chosen ignorance

But not about everything, you think

Just about this one thing

This one thing you’ve chosen to ignore and now you realize

You can’t ignore it

****************************************

You wish you realized this while you were on some kind of spiritual journey
or doing some deep self-reflection

But maybe that’s ignorant too,

thinking big realizations only come when you’re ready for them

You are not ready for this

You are in bed
watching Instagram stories

You had a bad dream, you are trying to slow your mind down

You watch women playing with their children

photographers in the snow
a couple living in a van
a friend climbing rocks
strangers having brunch
a yoga instructor
a fitness guru

You watch them because it’s mindless, you think

You watch
no sound, just images
face after face
snapshot after snapshot

There’s something inside you that feels bad every time you do this

yeah, you’ve been doing this a lot

different days, different excuses
but anyway, you’ve been doing this

A LOT

You think today this feeling is the same

just guilt

Guilt is part of your DNA, you think

This is not new

it’s not a big deal

You keep watching

more photographers
nude models
a baby’s first steps
a poet
a writer

But this feeling that’s growing today

it doesn’t feel the same as guilt
it’s not as thick
it doesn’t coat the same way
it doesn’t feel horrible

and safe

It’s 8 o’clock in the morning
this was the first thing you choose to do

Maybe it’s time to get up, you think

One more face

A woman, a coach, she’s just done yoga and had three client calls and she feels fabulous

Your shoulders are getting tense
Your body is not in a healthy position
You’re fucking up your alignment

for sure

OK, enough,

you say silently
because you’re not alone in bed

OK, enough, shuts off your phone
but doesn’t get you up just yet

Instead it curls you into child’s pose
under a mound of blankets

You press your head to the mattress
and spread your knees so your belly has space

it’s still dark
the air is cold
your breath is shallow

but you take it

you need it

Fuck

in this breath you realize something

The covers are being pulled away from you

literally

Your body is being pulled with the covers and you try to follow

but you have to readjust

Your child’s pose turns into more of a fetal position

and you breathe through it

The thing you’ve been ignoring is so clear right now

The thing you don’t want to think about
or talk about,
or hear about,
it’s all you can see right now

So many faces

and none of them are like me, you think

You’ve filled your feed with the faces of women, strong women
and you thought this was enough

You are a woman

Women supporting women is a big deal
You want to be a part of that
You have been a part of that but,

you start to think about the thing you’ve been ignoring

You recently wanted to find a business coach
A person that has done what you want to do,
to get her advice, perspective and guidance

There’s not shortage of these coaches

You’ve looked
You’ve listened to their podcasts

They’re out there
They’re doing it
They’re trying to connect with you

But none of them are like you either

Your thoughts come back to bed

What does this mean?

You started your business based on a simple idea

TELL YOUR STORY

Your whole brand is about it

USE YOUR VOICE

You wrote some really good copy about it

BE COURAGEOUS

You have been, right?
Or, you are still,
right?

You get out of bed and stretch

None of them are like me

You still don’t want to think about the thing you’ve been trying to ignore

for decades

You think about a book you just read

Small Great Things

It’s all about the thing you’ve been trying to ignore
In fact, it’s all about how, as a society, we all try to ignore it,

except for people who can’t ignore it

You’ve been thinking about why you were so drawn to this book

why you read it in less than two days
why you cried, multiple times as you read

Maybe this is the reason

But, you hesitate
with all the excuses you’ve used before

Has it really been that bad?
Is it really that bad?
Why do I need to see people like me?
What makes someone like me?
If I make this an issue, how am I not part of the issue itself?

You think of the first two people you met when you moved from the Bay Area to Boston

Your former roommates, your current friends, your life-long St. Rose partners

You think about how they didn’t ignore this thing
even though sometimes you wished they would
because you were trying to ignore it and they were not helping

You think about the stories they shared
and how sometimes it felt like so much – too much – and you wondered quietly to yourself if it was necessary

You think about the questions they asked – of themselves and other people
and how sometimes you were annoyed by this because you didn’t want to think about the answers

You think about their perspectives
and how sometimes they were so WIDE OPEN it made you feel like shutting down

You think about this thing you’ve been trying to ignore
and know you can’t ignore it any more

You think about this thing you’ve been trying to ignore
and know you have to talk about it

You think about this thing you’ve been trying to ignore
and know your voice is important

You know all this because you remember those two people
who maybe never said it directly, but they said it,

all the time

You take a deep breath

For a moment, you wish you were back in that kitchen you shared – where all the good conversations happened – you wish you were there, taking this breath and saying

“So, I really need to have a conversation about race?”

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